Clients often bring struggles surrounding self-forgiveness into the therapy room. This is a complex issue that cannot always been boiled down to a simple process without context, but we were curious on ACT practitioners go to ideas when working with self-forgiveness. We did a recent poll on our social media channels regarding forgiveness and how we approach this as an ACT therapist. If you missed it, here’s a recap:
Poll:
POV: your client says, “I just can’t forgive myself for my past mistakes”
As an ACT therapist you say..
Options:
- What do you need to make room for here?
- As you sit with that, what matters?
- Instead of forgive, what actions can you take?
- Hold that thought lightly
Before posting the results, we thought that this would have different outcomes. We thought there’d be one clear winner with the other outcomes only having a small spattering of votes. We were wrong! Perhaps, this shows the heterogeneity of our interventions? We’ll discuss our thoughts below, but would love to hear what you think, too!
Results:
- What do you need to make room for here? 27%
- As you sit with that, what matters? 39%
- Instead of forgive, what actions can you take? 21%
- Hold that thought lightly 13%
For context, this was across a sample of around 350 responses.
- “What do you need to make room for here?” (27%)
This response is focussed on the process of acceptance. It encourages clients to explore their emotional landscape. It invites them to consider what feelings, thoughts, or experiences they might be neglecting or suppressing. By making room for these emotions, clients can start to process their guilt and shame, ultimately fostering a more compassionate understanding of their past.
- “As you sit with that, what matters?” (39%)
Chosen by 39% of respondents, this approach emphasises the importance of values. It encourages clients to reflect on what truly matters to them amidst their feelings of guilt. By connecting with their core values, clients can find clarity and direction, allowing them to see that their past mistakes do not need to define their present, or their future. This process can, therefore, also promote self-compassion and can guide them toward meaningful actions that align with their values.
- “Instead of forgive, what actions can you take?” (21%)
This practical response shifts focus from the interoceptive experiences and instead focuses on committed action. By asking clients to consider what they can do moving forward, we empower them to reclaim agency in their lives. This response focuses more strongly on the behavioural approaches with the aim to help clients feel more empowered and less trapped by their past.
- “Hold that thought lightly” (13%)
The least chosen option, yet significant, suggests focusing on defusion. Encouraging clients to hold their thoughts lightly allows them to step back from, and ultimately observe their feelings without judgment. This perspective can help reduce the emotional weight of guilt, enabling clients to navigate their thoughts with greater ease and clarity.
So why do ACT therapists approach this so differently?
The diverse responses from this poll highlight the multifaceted nature of self-forgiveness in therapy. Each approach offers unique insights and strategies for addressing the complex emotions surrounding past mistakes.
For some, this might be about where they envisioned their client being at the point at which is this said. Some may be connecting with compassion for the client, perhaps even some transference playing a role.
Fundamentally, our role is to guide clients through this emotional terrain, helping them connect with their values, recognise their needs, and take meaningful actions. A good ACT intervention will encompass all processes; an excellent ACT intervention will skilfully move between these within sessions.
If we are searching for what is the ‘right’ answer, we are missing the uniqueness of the ACT intervention and being fundamentally psychologically inflexible as clinicians. In the end, the journey toward self-forgiveness is not just about absolving oneself of past mistakes; it’s about understanding (specifically around the self-as-context), growth, getting present and the commitment to living a life aligned with one’s values.
What would I do – hear from Joe
Resisting the urge to give the annoying standard ACT practitioner’s response of, “well, it depends…”, I would be inclined to go with the “what do you need to make room for here?” response. Being unable to move towards forgiveness suggests there maybe a painful emotion present, and I’d be on the look out for shame. I’d also be curious about the self story (and by definition, other story) that is activated in the presence of shame and forgiveness.
But, there are no right answers, and each of the responses have the potential to foster psychological flexibility. A good ACT practitioner would make their choice and then be hyper aware to see how it lands with the client, in order to determine the next move.
Depending on the client, compassion focused therapy (CFT) techniques may be helpful too. These aim to address issues such as self-criticism, shame, and self-judgement by activating the soothing system and nurturing a compassionate self-identity, one that is capable of forgiveness. To learn more about this we have a number of CFT related training sessions, or visit our ACT training library to explore courses that could help you become more targeted and established in your therapy practice.
