Navigating difficult conversations is a reality we all face, whether in personal relationships, professional settings, or therapeutic environments. Having the right approach can make all the difference in how these conversations unfold. In this short video taken from our expert tips for ACT series, Dr Ray Owen shares a technique that he uses, particularly during his work in the National Health Service (NHS) and as an accredited facilitator for senior cancer practitioners.
Preparing for a difficult conversation
Often, we find ourselves thrust into challenging discussions without the chance to prepare mentally. This lack of preparation can lead to anxiety and miscommunication. By taking a moment to centre ourselves before engaging in a tough conversation, we can significantly improve the outcome. These four simple steps can help you arrive properly and set the stage for a constructive but empathetic dialogue.
1. Ground yourself
Start by grounding yourself and coming into the present moment. Pause to observe your surroundings thinking about; What can you see? What can you hear? Feel the ground beneath your feet or take a deep breath. This practice helps to shift your focus away from past worries or future anxieties, anchoring you in the “now.”
2. Set your intention
Next, clarify your intention for the conversation. Ask yourself: What do I hope to achieve? What outcome would feel like a success? Setting a clear intention helps to focus your thoughts and actions during the dialogue, making you more likely to steer the conversation in a positive direction.
A quick guide to setting intentions
As with everything, preparation can be a key component for success. Some ways that you can prepare intentions ahead of a difficult conversation might be:
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- Writing them down: Jot down your intentions and what the purpose of the conversation is. This helps you articulate your intentions clearly.
- Ask “Why?”: For each intention, ask yourself why it matters. This will help you connect it back to your core values.
- Evaluate: After the conversation, reflect on whether your intentions were achieved and how they aligned with your values.
- Learn and adapt: Use this reflection to inform future conversations, ensuring continual alignment.
By setting clear and meaningful intentions, you enhance your ability to engage in difficult conversations productively and respectfully.
3. Connect to your values
Reflect on why this conversation matters to you. What values are at stake? How do you want to present yourself? Connecting to your core values not only strengthens your resolve but also informs how you wish to engage with the other person, ensuring that you remain true to yourself throughout the interaction.
Tips for connecting to values during difficult conversations:
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- Start the conversation by expressing your intentions, highlighting the values that guide them. Using “I” statements helps to convey your values and validate them within the context of what is about to be said. For example, “I believe in open communication because it fosters trust.”
- Instead of vague terms like “honesty,” specify what honesty means to you in the context of the conversation.
- Share specific instances that illustrate your values in action, making them relatable and understandable. Show genuine interest in others’ perspectives and ask questions that invite them to share their values. Highlighting areas where your values align with theirs can also build rapport and understanding.
4. Engage willingness
Acknowledge that difficult conversations can evoke uncomfortable feelings and appreciate that it’s normal to feel apprehensive or uneasy. Engaging a willingness to confront these feelings is crucial. Understanding that discomfort often accompanies meaningful discussions, and being open to these emotions is important. Feeling bad, doesn’t necessarily mean it isn’t going well, sometimes it’s part of the process!
After the conversation, you could also follow up to see how the other person feels about what was discussed. This shows that you value their perspective and reinforces a commitment to open communication.
Putting it all together
While it may sound like a lot written out in this way, you can actually implement these steps in a matter of seconds:
- Ground yourself: Spend a few moments observing your environment.
- Set your intention: Remind yourself of your goals for the conversation.
- Connect to your values: Reflect on what makes this conversation important to you.
- Engage willingness: Accept that feeling uneasy is part of the journey.
Once you’ve centred yourself using these steps, you’ll be better equipped to walk into the conversation with confidence and clarity. Remember, the aim is not just to survive the discussion but to engage meaningfully and authentically. Difficult conversations may not get easier through the nature of them, but with practice, you can learn to approach them with a sense of readiness and purpose.
Visit our ACT therapy training page to explore courses with Dr Ray Owen, including upcoming live and on-demand sessions such as ACT for physical health, ACT for grief, and functional analysis for ACT practitioners.
